Kawika Fires the First Shot, Jeff Benches His Own Champions

Fooooooot Baaaaaall!!!

Week 1 is in the books and Kawika's Darth Kanaka reminded everybody why he founded this thing in the first place, dropping 166.56 behind a video game line from Josh Allen. Meanwhile on the other end of the spectrum, the reigning champ won his opener while somehow leaving 58.26 points glued to his bench, and Jeff Ta, certified Seahawks lifer, benched the actual Seattle Seahawks defense in a game he lost by less than a point. Some things you can't script. This league scripted them anyway.

Darth Kanaka 166.56, Team Fiddy 97.62

Kawika opened his season the way he opens every group chat, loud. Josh Allen went for 35.66, Jahmyr Gibbs added 33.6, and Chris Olave chipped in 28.2 for a laugher. Keith's Team Fiddy got 28 points out of the Steelers defense and still had Kyler Murray finish at negative 0.38, which is its own kind of achievement. Bucky Irving put up 20.3 on Fiddy's bench doing nothing. Auto draft giveth, auto draft taketh away.

ShOGuN 109.46, King Ethaniel 97.96

Travis squeaked this one out behind the Jacksonville defense and Parker Washington going for 19.3, even while starting A.J. Brown at 5.6 and leaving Deebo Samuel's 18 on the bench. Ethan's new co-commissioner era started 0-1, with Javonte Williams and Jayden Daniels doing the heavy lifting and Colston Loveland contributing a hard zero at tight end. Baker Mayfield sat useless on Ethan's bench with 11.64 he didn't need.

Team IR 114.22, Laces Out 158.56

Felts got 31.2 from Justin Jefferson and 28.9 from David Montgomery and it still wasn't close, because Nick's Laces Out ran into a 35.3 point Derrick Henry game and never looked back. Nick started 99.2 percent of his best possible lineup, the tightest ship in the league this week. Felts, meanwhile, left Trevor Lawrence's 26.1 on the bench behind Jalen Hurts. Mililani machine never brakes, but this week it definitely stalled.

Daejon Love 94.7, Maye Day Saquon 89.52

The rookie survives. Mike B. got Jonathan Taylor to 25.1 and escaped with the lowest winning score of the week, all while Jordan Love sat on his own bench scoring 19.48 for someone named Daejon Love. Alen's Niners loyalty ran deep too, benching Brock Purdy's 21.1 in a five point loss. Sorry bro, good game, as Alen always says, but this one stings a little more than most.

Kuzu 160.34, We Did Not Care 159.7

The game of the week. Jacob's Ashton Jeanty and Bijan Robinson combined for 64 points and Kuzu survived by 0.64, the closest margin in the league. Jeff's We Did Not Care got 32.4 from D'Andre Swift and 26.2 from Jaxon Smith-Njigba and still lost, largely because he benched the Seattle Seahawks defense, his own beloved Seahawks, for 23 points he never used. GG, Jeff. It's what you say. It doesn't make it hurt less.

Maybe Nix Year 101.14, Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts 85.1

Rodney is your defending champion and he opened his title defense squeezing the whole game out of Kenneth Walker (34.1) and Christian Watson (32.7), all while starting Jaylen Waddle for 1.2 and leaving 58.26 points on his bench, the worst lineup efficiency in the league. Greg's ghost sighting continued, Jaxson Dart went off for 26.6 while Caleb Williams sat on his bench for 37.26. Somebody alert the league, Greg actually set a lineup this week. It did not go well.

Awards Desk

High Score: Darth Kanaka, 166.56. Low Score: Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts, 85.1. Blow Out: Darth Kanaka over Team Fiddy by 68.94. Close Win: Kuzu by 0.64. Lucky: Daejon Love, winning with just 94.7. Unlucky: We Did Not Care, 159.7 and a loss. Overachiever: Laces Out, plus 40.94 over projection. Underachiever: Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts, minus 26.53. Best Manager: Laces Out. Worst Manager: Maybe Nix Year, 63.5 percent of his ceiling.

Next Week

Kawika sits alone at the top after week one, but Kuzu and Laces Out are breathing down his neck and Jeff is already plotting revenge on his own bench. Set your lineups, especially you, Greg.