We Did Not Care Just Dropped 181, and Everyone Else Should Panic

Cold Open

We Did Not Care put up 181.56 this week, the kind of number that makes the rest of the league check their own lineup twice out of guilt. Jaxon Smith-Njigba went for 42.5, CeeDee Lamb added 35.3, and Jeff's squad still had Patrick Mahomes sitting on the bench with 28.98 he didn't even need. Meanwhile King Ethaniel got 38.2 points stranded on his own bench and lost by 62. Somewhere Kawika is filing this one under contagious clerical errors.

The Verdict

Last week's ballot came back and Turd of the Week is an honest to god tie: Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts and We Did Not Care both pulled 3 votes. Greg's ghost act and Jeff's good-sport routine apparently look the same to voters. Maybe Nix Year picked up 2, and King Ethaniel, Laces Out, Team Fiddy, and Team IR each got 1. Team IR, Team Fiddy, and Laces Out did not submit a ballot at all, which the house rules already accounted for in these totals.

The league found Darth Kanaka guilty of the week's lineup crime, starting Drake London (5.5) over Jalen Coker (33.8) on his own bench, with 4 votes to convict. Best Laugh was a runaway: Michael Felts' "Really cuz my dolphins beg to differ" took it with 8 votes, easily outpacing Jeff Ta's Vrabel-and-the-refs line at 1.

On pick accuracy, it's a four-way tie for the league's smartest bracket: Daejon Love, Darth Kanaka, King Ethaniel, and ShOGuN all went 4 for 6. ShOGuN's Lock actually hit too, same as Kuzu, Maye Day Saquon, and Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts, all locking in correctly at 3 for 6. We Did Not Care went a rough 2 for 6 and missed the Lock, which is almost funny given they just dropped the week's biggest number. The league whiffed collectively three times: only 1 manager saw Team Fiddy beating King Ethaniel coming, and only 4 called ShOGuN over Maye Day Saquon or Kuzu over Team IR. Trust nobody's crystal ball in this group chat.

The Games

Team Fiddy 145.38, King Ethaniel 83.24. Bryce Young (24.08), Dalton Kincaid (22.5), and Stefon Diggs (21.7) did the heavy lifting for Fiddy while King Ethaniel got a donut from Puka Nacua and left 38.2 points on the bench, officially the league's Worst Manager this week. Bhayshul Tuten put up 14.2 doing nothing for him from the pine.

Darth Kanaka 145.72, Laces Out 124.1. Josh Allen went nuclear for 40.82 and Kawika's squad survived Amon-Ra St. Brown dropping 35.2 and Travis Kelce chipping in 25.1 on the other side. Laces Out scored 124 points and still lost, the definition of Unlucky this week.

ShOGuN 127.98, Maye Day Saquon 116.18. Davante Adams went off for 39.5 and ShOGuN survived a real scare, winning by 11.8 for the league's Close Win award. Alen's own Saquon Barkley managed just 3 points, which is rough when the whole team is named after him.

Kuzu 93.88, Team IR 78.96. Jared Goff's 29.78 was basically the whole story here, and as Jeff Ta put it before kickoff even wrapped, "Jacob is gonna win with 3 positions scoring zero points lol." He wasn't wrong, and it's still a win. Team IR was the league's Low Score and Underachiever, coming in 45.49 under projection.

Maybe Nix Year 128.22, Daejon Love 115.7. Jonathan Taylor's 29.2 wasn't enough for the rookie Daejon Love, who left Matthew Stafford's 26.98 stranded on the bench. Rodney's squad got there behind DeVonta Smith, Kenneth Walker, and Christian McCaffrey, even while leaving a wild 30.16 points unused of his own.

We Did Not Care 181.56, Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts 111.82. This one was over by halftime. JSN and CeeDee Lamb combined for nearly 78 points and Ja'Marr Chase's 26.5 for Greg's team never had a chance against that. The 69.74 margin is the week's Blow Out, no contest.

Awards

High Score and Blow Out and Best Manager (97.9% of optimal) all go to We Did Not Care, who also win Overachiever for beating their projection by 52.74. Low Score and Underachiever both belong to Team IR. Close Win goes to ShOGuN, Lucky goes to Kuzu for winning with the week's lowest winning score, Unlucky goes to Laces Out, and Worst Manager is King Ethaniel, who started 68.5% of his best possible lineup.

Next Week

Darth Kanaka, Kuzu, ShOGuN, and Maybe Nix Year are all sitting pretty at 2-0. King Ethaniel, Team IR, and Skibidi Rizzler are all 0-2 and staring down a real fight to not spend the season in the Poop Bowl basement. Somebody vote your ballots on time this time.