The Packers Are Ass and Team Fiddy Left 40 Points In The Parking Lot

Cold Open

Week 3 gave us a 179.66 masterpiece, a 67.24 disaster, and a Packers fan publicly disowning his own team in real time. Darth Kanaka scored more points than some teams will score in two weeks combined, while Team Fiddy left 39.82 points sitting on the bench like they forgot football was being played. In between, the group chat turned into a referendum on Green Bay's rushing attack, and somehow it all connected back to fantasy.

The Verdict

Week 2's ballot is in and Team IR (Mike Felts) took home Turd of the Week with 4 votes over King Ethaniel's 3, with Laces Out, Maybe Nix Year, Maye Day Saquon, Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts, and Team Fiddy all picking up a stray vote apiece. Felts basically called his shot in the group chat this week with "I'm campaigning now. I better get all the votes for 💩," and the league obliged, though technically that was for a different crime on a different week. The lineup crime conviction went to Maybe Nix Year for starting DJ Moore over Jaylen Waddle sitting on the bench, 4 votes, guilty as charged. Best Laugh also went to Felts, 6 votes, with Jeff Ta a close second at 3. Team IR, Maybe Nix Year, and Team Fiddy all failed to turn in a ballot, so those results already include their house rule self votes, no addition needed.

On picks, Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts went a perfect 6 for 6 with the lock hitting too, the only team to run the table. Darth Kanaka and Maye Day Saquon both went 5 of 6 with locks hitting. King Ethaniel brought up the rear at 0 for 6 with a lock miss, which, considering how their actual season is going, tracks. The league collectively whiffed on King Ethaniel over Maye Day Saquon (4 picked wrong) and Team IR over Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts (2 picked wrong), both of which the underdog won outright.

The Matchups

Laces Out 103.94, Team Fiddy 67.24. Derrick Henry (21.9), Lamar Jackson (20.44), and Travis Kelce (13.9) carried Nicholas to a win despite TreVeyon Henderson doing basically nothing in the flex (3.9) and Kenyon Sadiq's 23.5 rotting on the bench. Meanwhile Keith started Bryce Young over Sam Darnold, who lit up for 27.66 points from the bench. That is not how any of this is supposed to work.

Purdy good 131.98, King Ethaniel 94.88. Brock Purdy went off for 31.28 and Kyren Williams added 21.8 for Alen. Ethan got 18.3 from Javonte Williams and 17 from Bhayshul Tuten but Xavier Worthy no showed at 4 points, and Keaton Mitchell's 13.7 never left the bench. Alen also left Saquon Barkley on his bench for 9, which reads like a miss until you watch the game. Saquon ran 15 times for 82 yards, a tidy 5.5 a carry, and had nothing to show for it because everything around him came apart Monday night. Jalen Hurts went 16 of 25 for 153 with no touchdowns and a pick, Andy Dalton threw exactly one pass and it was intercepted, and Philadelphia scored 7 points all night. Sitting a back who ran that well should sting. This week it cost him almost nothing.

Darth Kanaka 179.66, Kuzu 138.66. Jahmyr Gibbs put up 41.4, Drake London 28.4, Garrett Wilson 26.7, and Kawika started literally his entire best possible lineup, 100 percent optimal, zero points left on the bench. That's the Falcons offense working overtime, since Bijan Robinson also went for 35.3 on Jacob's side and it still wasn't enough. Kuzu drops the Unlucky trophy after scoring 138.66, which would have smoked most of the league, and still lost by 41. Then Monday piled on, because Jacob is the league's Eagles fan and he got to watch Philadelphia run off the field in Chicago 27 to 7. Jalen Hurts held to 153 yards and a pick, one touchdown in the whole game. They look like a team that should be 0-3. They are actually 2-1 and first in the NFC East, which is about the only mercy in Jacob's week.

Maybe Nix Year 149.4, ShOGuN 137.78. Rodney squeezed out another close one behind Tyler Shough's 23.8 and Christian Watson's 22.6, while Bo Nix sat on the bench with 24.14 unused, close but no lineup crime charges filed. Travis got 22.58 from Joe Burrow and 20.7 from Davante Adams but watched Brock Bowers put up 27.6 from the bench, and that is the difference in an 11.62 point loss.

Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts 130.12, Team IR 70.58. Greg actually showed up to manage a lineup for once, and Ja'Marr Chase (24.8), Kirk Cousins (22.22), and Jeremiyah Love (21.9) turned it into the week's biggest blowout, 59.54 points. Felts got 19.78 from Trevor Lawrence and 19.7 from Terry McLaurin but Kyle Pitts contributed a shrug at 1.5 and Tony Pollard's 13.6 stayed glued to the bench. Greg called his own shot back on Wednesday when he announced both his quarterbacks were dead, and Monday made it official. Caleb Williams and Jaxson Dart sat on his bench for a matching zero. The insult is who replaced one of them. Case Keenum, the backup, went 24 of 34 for 247 yards and two touchdowns and walked Chicago to a 27 to 7 win. Greg owned the quarterback and got the injury. Somebody else got the stat line.

We Did Not Care 130.2, Daejon Love 80.18. Jaxon Smith-Njigba exploded for 35.36 and CeeDee Lamb added 20.2 as Jeff cruised, even with Michael Wilson's 25.9 stranded on his bench. Jeff called his shot in the chat, saying "I'm basically playing against the entire Green Bay Packers," and he was right, Mike B. started Jordan Love (18.48) and Matthew Golden (21) while ranting live in the chat that his own Packers are "ass" and "big frauds" after watching 17 total rushing yards. Nicholas Willke couldn't resist twisting the knife: "LFG. If we lost to cowboys. I would have said sorry for all the packers hate. But they didnt soooo, I guess we will never know."

Awards

High Score: Darth Kanaka, 179.66. Low Score: Team Fiddy, 67.24. Blow Out: Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts over Team IR by 59.54. Close Win: Maybe Nix Year over ShOGuN by 11.62. Lucky: Laces Out, winning with the lowest winning score of the week. Unlucky: Kuzu, 138.66 and still lost. Overachiever: Darth Kanaka, beating projection by 45.31. Underachiever: Team Fiddy, 40.73 under projection. Best Manager: Darth Kanaka, 100 percent of optimal squeezed out. Worst Manager: Team Fiddy, only 62.8 percent of his best lineup started, 39.82 points left folded up in a drawer somewhere.

Looking Ahead

Darth Kanaka sits 3-0 atop both the standings and the power rankings, and Maybe Nix Year is right there with him at 3-0 after a huge power rankings jump from 7 to 4. Somewhere Mike B. is still yelling about rushing yards, and somewhere DK Metcalf is still getting talked about on national television for being big for nothing, which Travis Nai'ole will not be tolerating. Week 4 should be fun.