Tet Goes Nuclear, Fiddy Goes Fetal

Cold Open

Mike B. typed "No way Tet is about to give me 40 pts" into the group chat like a man tempting the football gods, and the football gods said say less. Tetairoa McMillan dropped 45.2 on Team IR, Daejon Love put up the week's High Score at 162.88, and the rookie manager Ethan recruited is quietly building a resume. Elsewhere Keith started Dalton Kincaid (1.7) over Sam LaPorta (22.4) sitting right there on his bench, which is the kind of decision that makes a beat writer's job easy.

The Verdict

Last week's ballot is in and Team Fiddy took home Turd of the Week with 6 votes, comfortably ahead of Team IR's 2 and a four way tie at 1 apiece for King Ethaniel, Kuzu, Maybe Nix Year, and Maye Day Saquon. The lineup crime verdict was a landslide: ShOGuN started Pat Freiermuth (5.1) over Brock Bowers (27.6) on the bench, guilty by an 8 to 1 vote over Purdy good's Dalton Schultz for Harold Fannin mistake. Best Laugh went to Michael B.'s "Torn labia" with 7 votes. Team IR, Maybe Nix Year, and Maye Day Saquon did not submit ballots. Pick accuracy had a five way tie at 5 of 6 correct among Daejon Love, Darth Kanaka, Laces Out, Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts, and We Did Not Care, while Team Fiddy went 1 for 6, which tracks. The league's worst miss was Maybe Nix Year over King Ethaniel, picked 7 to 2, and Ethan won it by 25.7.

The Matchups

Purdy good 141.12, Team Fiddy 86.76. Kyren Williams (36.7) and Chuba Hubbard (25.9) did the heavy lifting for Alen, who stayed on brand with a chat-worthy "Gg! But let's go Niners." Keith got a fine floor from Bryce Young (21.46) and Chase Brown (19.1), but that Kincaid over LaPorta call plus a 30.62 point miss from projection makes him this week's Underachiever.

Laces Out 130.98, Kuzu 98.68. Jacob got Bijan Robinson (27.7) and Ashton Jeanty (18.6) going but left Nico Collins (30.8) glued to the bench, good for the league's Worst Manager trophy at just 61 percent of optimal and 63 points stranded. Nick's Zay Flowers (25.8) and Malik Nabers (23.2) carried Laces Out even with Travis Kelce doing nothing at 3.5.

King Ethaniel 140.94, Maybe Nix Year 115.24. Javonte Williams (31.3) and Puka Nacua (27.7) powered Ethan to his first win of the season and a 43.15 point Overachiever performance, even with Marcus Mariota managing only 5.34 at quarterback. Rodney got Kenneth Walker (30.9) and Christian McCaffrey (16), but a team literally called Maybe Nix Year left Bo Nix (13.56) on the bench. Make it make sense.

Darth Kanaka 127.52, Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts 71.62. Kawika's Josh Allen (18.52), Chris Olave (19.6), and Rhamondre Stevenson (18.4) were plenty for the league's lowest winning score, officially crowned Lucky. Greg has turned in a ballot every week and is tied for the season lead in picks, so the effort is there. The scoreboard just didn't cooperate. Deshaun Watson (12.92) led his team to the league's Low Score while Carnell Tate (21.5) sat on his bench.

We Did Not Care 161.5, ShOGuN 131.42. Jeff's CeeDee Lamb exploded for 41.3 and his Seattle defense chipped in 21, plenty to survive even a strong Travis effort. Travis actually fixed last week's crime, starting Brock Bowers who delivered 20.6 this time, and still finished Unlucky and Best Manager at 93.8 percent of his ceiling. Robbed is the right word. And that was after Thursday, when his Steelers watched Aaron Rodgers throw two fourth quarter touchdowns to tie Cleveland, then lost on a 56 yard field goal with 10 seconds left.

Daejon Love 162.88, Team IR 82.48. McMillan's 45.2 plus Tee Higgins (26.7) and Jonathan Taylor (22.7) gave Mike B. the week's High Score and the Blowout trophy by 80.4. Felts' kicker Ka'imi Fairbairn (16) led his team while Alvin Kamara (22.8) sat helpless on his bench, dropping Team IR to 0-4.

Awards

High Score and Blowout: Daejon Love. Low Score: Skibidi Rizzler Deez Nuts. Close Win: King Ethaniel. Lucky: Darth Kanaka. Unlucky: ShOGuN. Overachiever: King Ethaniel. Underachiever: Team Fiddy. Best Manager: ShOGuN. Worst Manager: Kuzu.

Next Week

Darth Kanaka is the only unbeaten team left at 4-0, but read the fine print. Jeff has scored more points than anyone, 632.96 to Kawika's 619.46, and sits one game back at 3-1. Kawika's win this week came with the Lucky trophy attached. Best record, second most points. Kawika, watch your back. Kuzu needs to actually play his bench. Keith needs an intervention at tight end. And somewhere Rodney needs to seriously consider starting the guy his team is named after.